First one...

Well, here goes.  My first blog post. 

In all honesty, I never thought that I would write a blog, but recently I've been reading them and I think I've come to understand the point.  Whether anyone reads this is not my concern.  I'm hoping the the process will help me process and understand my feelings better.


So, I'm a stepmom.  I started dating DH 9 years ago, when DSS was about 5.  We go married 4 years ago, and DSS is not 14!  How fast time flies.  DSS is with us 50% of the time.
My parents divorced when I was 18, but they hadn't been happy for years and years before that.  I told myself there was no point to marriage.  But I met DH and my clear path in life became confused.  I loved him and knew I wanted to marry him and love him forever.  But I never expected I would take on the role of stepmother...

As I grew closer and closer to DH and DSS, it became apparent that DSS had some issues.  DH thought it was due to ex-wife, as she was/is extremely permissive and didn't have clear rules, expectations, or discipline.  Poor DH - he tried to create rules and discipline, but got told he was wrong so many time that he gave up (ex-wife - you need to watch Supernanny!!).  After they separated, he started making some inroads, but it was slow going.  At age 7, DSS wouldn't even sit at the table for the length of a meal.  Some people suggested to me that it could be ADHD, but DH was convinced it was lack of parenting.  We parented, we tried to be clear,  I read book after book on ADHD and we incorporated many of those ideas into our home.  There are still issues, but it's much better than it was.
A year ago, DSS was really struggling in school - keeping track of papers and homework had become nearly impossible for him due the increased demands of his middle school.  He was so frustrated that he'd be in tears if you tried to discuss it. We hired a personal organizer with experience with ADHD to help out.  And it did help -- it reduced missing assignments by about 60% over 6 months.  Why didn't you take him to a doc and get real help, you ask?  Because that is the obvious clear path to helping DSS through this.  It took me a while to convince DH that was the right thing to do (he's pretty anti-medication, due to unknown potential longterm side effects).  After I convinced him, he had to try to convince ex-wife (medications or changes recommended by a doc would need to be done in both homes).  He'd tried to talk to her over the years about discipline, to no avail (big surprise as they couldn't agree on it when they were married).  The talk about getting an ADHD evaluation failed dramatically.  And so it goes - the clear path to helping DSS and reducing his and my frustrations is once again obscured).

So, that's part 1 - stepmom to a 14 year old with probably ADHD.
Part 2 - Infertility
2007 - Ongoing discussion of a child together, not sure when would be good timing.
Jan 2008 - preconception checkup at annual exam, just to make sure...
Spring 2008 - We threw out the birth control and condoms.   On our way to the next phase! :)
Mar 2009 - annual exam, no pregancy yet.  Dr suggest charting BBT and to come back after a couple charts/cycles.  She also suggested a semen analysis for DH.
Mar 2009 - My first chart wasn't great - I hated the idea of setting the alarm a little before I woke up, as I wanted the sleep, So I didn't temp every day and the chart wasn't clear.
May 2009 - By now I'm temping consistently, but May is so wacko I don't understand the chart and think I must have screwed something up.  DH finally does Semen Analysis - the report is fantastic (great - that means it's my fault!)
June-July 2009 - decent charts, but no baby.
Aug 2009 - family vacation (in a tent!) during the fertile period.  Not happening this month, darn it.
Sept 2009 - I knew I should go back in to see Dr, but didn't want to admit to myself that I might be inferile.  Produced a great looking chart.
Oct 2009 - Another great chart, no baby.
Oct 2009 - appt with Dr.  Wow, she's confused.  Charts look good.  Clear biphasic shift, good luteal phase, etc, etc.  Why aren't I pregnant by now?  She faxes them to a RE at the reproductive clinic.  RE suggests I come in for a consult, as I probably have "unexplained infertility".

Now let me just stop here and say I hate the words "unexplained infertility".  All it means is that you aren't pregnant and they don't know why.  If you know one thing about me, know that I dislike uncertainty.  I like to plan so things go how they should.  Nothing about unexplained infertility coincides with my nature or personality. 

Dec 2009 - appt with RE.  He reiterated it is likely unexplained infertility, which could be me or could be something about how compatible DH's semen is with me.  Scheduled day 10 progesterone bloodwork, day 3 FSH and estrogen, and HSG.

And so that's the backstory...  9 years with ADHD and 20 months TTC. 
I love DH dearly, and he loves me, but he just has no clue how frustrating it can be!